26th Dec 2011

It’s the anniversary of the Tsunami that took lots of innocent lives. I was over exhausted that I woke up at 1.50pm. Previous night, Hui Wen and I promised to go out again and today together with Bibi and Matt. Hui Wen sent me a text. She said that she would be at the Twin Tower at 2.00pm. I knew she’ll be late and I take my own time to reach the place as we promised. I waited for her for nearly 20minutes. She was out of breath when she met me. We then hurried up to the booth counter before the queue gets longer. We bought the movie ticket to watch the film ‘Sherlock Holmes’ and also ‘We bought Zoo’. Both movies are unexpected took such a long time to finish. I was nearly sleep during the ‘Sherlock Holmes’ as they were many dialogue and some action moves. I can make conclusion that both movies are good. We left after the movie finished and went to dinner at the nearest mamak restaurant near KLCC. Tomorrow I would need to go to the office to work. The night end too fast and the four of us left for home after dinner.

25th Dec 2011

It’s Christmas day! I still have hangover from the Long Island Tea and the emotional tears. We then head to the church at 7.30am in the morning. We left for St John’s Cathedral. It’s my first Christmas with a Christian with me. Luis and I walked a little bit from the road side as there’s a road block and the road become congested. At the road side, walking towards the hill to the cathedral there’s a lot of clothes hanging at the gate and some other items to sell off. It was like a bundle sale on a Christmas day. There were also some people selling some food and some Jesus memorabilia. As we reached the church gate, I could see some people holding a candle and light it up at the corner of the gate before entering the church main door. It was for Mother Mary. We went in the church and marched till we saw a little gap on the bench at the mid section of the church. Kneel down and wishes for dreams to be come true. After some time, we left the church without listening to the mass. According to Luis, she’s Christian but she’s no Catholic and she didn’t have to listen to the mass. We then walked pass by the place we’ve been before entering the church. With no plans, we went to Marina’s place. Waking her up on a Sunday morning definitely is not a good idea. It was us that need some place to get shower and some sleep before heading back again to the city at noon. I was lucky that Marina was kind enough to give us a place to rest and get a nap.

After we had our energy back that we head back to KL Sentral. Luis needs to go back to Singapore the same day. She had her plan to meet Bibi, Matt and Hui Wen at the same place. Both of us were starving as we had nothing to eat before that. We went to Ayam Penyet Restaurant and have a hefty food while waiting for Bibi and Matt to come. I was almost felt asleep while waiting for them to come. We left the restaurant and just about heading to the main lobby that Hui Wen’s showed up. It was sad a little bit that Luis have to go back home that early with her other friend who was lost while coming to the train station.

Bibi and Matt left. Hui Wen and I then went to the Twin Tower. I had the idea of going for shopping at the first place before we decided to go and have a movie marathon. Hui Wen’s have a free movie tickets and we decided to watch three movies in a row. We first watch romantic comedy story called ‘New Year’s Eve’ followed by ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ and end up with animated movie ‘Alvin and The Chipmunks’. In between the gap, we did some shopping and have our snack time. When we left the twin tower, all off the shops were closed. We were seriously starving. We decided to go to Changkat Bukit Bintang. We went to Werner’s at Changkat and have a Tomato Brucshetta as our anti-pasti and the Neopolitina Pizza; Anchovies and Cheese pizza. I had the lime drink and mineral water. We had some chit chat with the Outlet Manager, Ryan Wallet. He was a funny guy with good sense of humor though that Hui Wen thinks that he’s not a good chap. I was hoping that on Wednesday, some people will turn up at Werner’s and enjoy the atmosphere rather than being in Healy Mac and feel miserable off not getting any ladies drink and also the chance to communicate effectively due to the loud noise. Time flies really fast and I left after we had dinner at about 12.00 midnight!

24th Dec 2011

It’s a day before Christmas. I was wondering what would Alex do or where he’ll be at this time. Too bad, he‘s no longer here anymore. I received a message from Evelyne, Alex’s mum. She sent me a Christmas gift; a French movie called ‘La Belle Verte’ means ‘The Beautiful Green’. It’s really artistic films which make us think about the world we live in. How human connects with other humans, humans with other living creatures or even the relation between us, human with Mother Nature. We as human lost sense of love towards the other and forgot the reason why we live. Love is all the answer and love is all we need no matter what. I was supposed to go to Malacca today but Luis came all the way from Singapore that I have to be in Kuala Lumpur just for her. Glad that she came even though she texted me last minute. I picked her up near HICOM area in Shah Alam. She came with Carol and her baby by car. They seem exhausted by the long journey. Well, nothing can compare by the feelings of coming back home and be with the family. And now, I’m part of Luis family in Kuala Lumpur. After picking her up, we left for home. It was a fast journey back home as I was really tired and have to work in the morning.

It was 8.00am and I wake Luis from sleep. She was surprise that I really do wake up that early despite we had a long chat till nearly 4.00am! It was time to go office and Luis and I decide to have some breakfast. She had a plan of her own that day and I don’t have to baby sit her all the time. I was relief. I learned from my past lesson by bringing in Maja last time that it make some people uneasy to see her. I thought that they’re open minded but instead the opposite. Luis then left me and went to see Bibi at KL Sentral. We promised that we’ll see each other tonight at 9.00pm. As promised, I waited for her at the Ampang Park Station. While waiting for her, some interesting drama happened. There, I was standing by the road side and watching a young Middle East guy being beaten up by the local. The reason is unknown. By my surprise, all the taxi drivers refuse him from entering their cars. He then crossed the road, walking in pain from the beating and no one ever spoke to him or rather helped him. The people on the road side could just only watch him. There were silent for a moment. No one dare to say anything including me until my phone rang. It was Luis. I then quickly get the cab for us and left for home. We need to get ready to the big party of Christmas Eve.

We reached home 20 minutes later. There’s no one in the house. We had shower and get pretty for the big event and left the house. With me, I had my backpack ready with all necessary items. I was afraid that I had to stay at someone house or maybe at the guest house. So does Luis. She grabs her small green bag and we went to the club area. Before that, we went to the guest house to put all off our belonging. Jackson was there and being a gentlemen and took care of our bags.

First, we went to the club area, Jalan Changkat Bukit Bintang, a well known area for clubs and bars for youngsters and also the travelers. We went to the familiar Irish Bar, the Healy Mac. I was surprised that we have to pay for the cover charges that night. We were stunned. We left and walk till the end of the road and hoping that some of the clubs or bars didn’t have cover charge. Our hope is just a hope. Nothing can be change. We then decided to go back again to Healy Mac and pay the cover charge as that is the cheapest cover charges ever on Christmas’s Eve night.

We had our drinks and head to the upper floor of Healy, view looking at the Changkat’s road. I was surprised to see that there are lots of Arabs and Iranians on the street. We were enjoying our time, even being stood up by Bibi, Hui Wen and Matt! We say, girl want to have fun!

It’s nearly a few second before midnight and they kept counting till the clock struck 12.00midnight. Most of the patron at the bar was halfway drunk or maybe drunken. They were in a happy and joyous mood even though they don’t really celebrate Christmas! It’s just the Christmas and holiday season spirit that keeps everyone in a happy mood. We met a few guys and they were happily to see us girls dance. I guessed that maybe we weren’t that drunk the first round at the upper floor until we switched place. We went to the bar, near the place under the stairs. I saw that most of them were happily dance to the music which I thought playing all day and all week long, the same song. I ordered the killer drink, the Long Island Tea. At one point, I was the happiest girl in the world being surrounded by guys until I broke down in tears when I suddenly remember about Alex. It was when Daniel, Bari’s ex boyfriend showed up. I couldn’t hold my emotions. The guys that I was one with left as they saw me cried and being emotional. What a roller coaster emotion for me at that moment. I couldn’t bear the tears that came out like a waterfall. Luis was shocked to see me cries. Thanks to Daniel. He really consoles me. It was me that I didn’t really let him go. I’m still not over Alex’s death. I can still feel him near me. Luis and I left the bar at 4.00am and went to the guesthouse and have some sleep before we go to the church. The night ends with my unexpected tears.

12th Dec 2011

Just to think that it would be the best day off my life and it doesn't. I was so occupied with work and dealing with people are really hard. How can we satisfy everyone with different need? I'm lucky that I finally did and managed to get through everything. I was working till suddenly I received a dinner invitation from P.I was excited and looking forward to see P. We meet at the LRT station. At first he wants to eat banana leaf, but where can we get banana leaf at night? I knew from beginning there's some awkwerdeness between both of us. He keep his distance far from me. I knew that he's trying to do the line between us. I never thought that he's already make his mind. Nothing can be changed. We sat the whole night looking at some of my photos that was taken earlier this year. My heart really broken the time that he told me he kind of had make his mind. I realised nothing I can changed at the moment. And what we've discussed and hope that he gave last time was all in vain. No hope, no nothing. All shattered in pieces and it was so painful. P noticed my reaction. Even I forgive him thousand times, it won't be the same no more. Just could understand when P said that I'm important in his life but why does he hurt me more. It's so contradict.I feel like running away or maybe just be in the house and hibernate!He knew the consequences. I won't see him no more..not even his shadow!
It's not that i hate him, but i was disappointed with him.I just need to be far away from him so that there will be no confusion or any fight started from this situation.Another rejection.P feel so guilty and said sorry to me again and again.He is to be blame for my unhappiness.At this moment I just don't want to look for any relationship anymore. Maybe I shouldn't at all. :-(
Thanks P for everything, breaking and tearing up my heart into pieces. I hope that you are happy despite of my sadness. Danke!

25th October 2011

Kesihatanku bagai tidak mengizinkan untuk aku berjalan lebih lama.Tapi apakan daya,semangatku masih kental.Pelawaan mummy untuk ke bandar membeli keperluan Deepavali tidak ku tolak sama sekali.Masih terkenangkan Alex.Entah apa yang kufikirkan ketika dan saat ini.Aku hanya ingin mengubat hati yang lara dan cuba untuk tidak mengingati kejadian yang menimpanya.Hanya beberapa jam sahaja kami di bandar dan pulang semula ke rumah.Aku membeli sedikit sebanyak barang-barang yang ku inginkan dan idamkan selama ni.
Aku masih tidak percaya dia sanggup menyakiti hatiku yang berduka!!Kau sanggup ketepikan diriku ketika aku amat memerlukanmu hanya kerana dia??Aku berduka lagi.Hatiku sakit yang amat.Tapi demi menjaga nama dan maruah keluargamu,aku telan juga kepahitan yang kau berikan padaku.Tak pernah kau sedari hatiku kau sakiti?Tak pernah kau lihat dalam mataku...betapa jiwaku terseksa??Aku berharap agar hari ini berlalu dengan pantas.Hatiku sakit melihat kau bersama dia sedangkan aku berduka.

7th Dec 2011

Just forget that tonight I'll be organizing the pre-dinner at Nagasari Restaurant. I was so occupied with work, brainstorming and thinking the best way how to present our product to the corporate customer for the first time. Time is so limited and I just couldn't really focused on work now. My heart was saying that I just should go out and travelling again but in the other hand, I have no fund. Literally to say, I have no money!Wishing that if it's easy to just travel without worrying about the money. That is life!
I convinced two of my office mate to join me in the 'meeting'. To give them a different view and perspective about other people from other parts of the world!
I was so surprised to see there's a lot of people attending the dinner. I might say it's around 40 of us and most are travellers and also CS newbies. We left the restaurant almost around 10pm and heading to the club as usual.Just let go all the complaints that I had before with the management of the bar.Having some fun moments with CS peeps. Had some text messages from P saying that he's coming with a friend who is a girl.Just don't really care with whom he's coming with but as long as he's here that would be fine. The night went so well till the girl that came with P, start to burst out her feelings. All night long I was trying to be like we were in Havana few days back but he's just keeping himself away from me a little. Got to know the sign and at one point, I just sat at one corner and wishing that A was here.P got to notice me, seating alone.But what make me pissed off is the girl..or i might call her the bitch was so furious with P and me and ask us to have some time alone together in a sarcastic way!The reason the bitch was so furious that she tought P wanted to buy me a flower. The truth is we're just exchanging the sweets that we had. This is where I got to know the real stories. No wonder she was acting weirdly during the meeting. I wish things could turn back and not seeing him.
But it's not. I just left them alone to talk and try to say bye to the bitch. But she was to bitchy and said that I'm not worth it? Wow, a blow to my face (literally) but I'm just being polite. So immature, bitch!
I just left and went to see C.I texted message to her earlier about what had happened to me. She was pissed off thinking that I cried when the bitch said that to my face. C was totally pissed off seeing me in that situation and marched her way to P and bitch and give her some warning about saying and treat me badly previously. C just reminding her where she were.Yup, just don't mess with local girls! They'll come at you...
I just left them and head to see Z and R together with C.Things couldn't be more better back then.P was not himself. He was trying so hard to give some explanation to the bitch and I guessed so many skeleton hidden in the closet. Just tonight, a peep of it. I was crying for awhile but then I thought that I shouldn't. Why would I cry for a guy who treat me so sweet but yet, behind me he's hiding something.
I don't deserve this kind of person. I deserve better then him.I nees honest guy.Honesty is important.
I just off my phone. I don't really want to talk or hear his voice for now.Before I drive back home, I on again my phone. I saw his apology on what had happened and how the best night become my nightmare.I feel that it's not good girls fighting over a guy. There's so many more good guy out there.
Trying to keep my hope high to find the ONE...

3rd Dec 2011

I had the best time with Pand I even had a special breakfast with him. It’s hard to let go off his arm and cuddle. Both of us are a bit exhausted and sleepless. I couldn’t even have my proper sleep as I was wearing my lenses. P walk me to the guard entrance andI left his place nearly 11am. I reached home and get rid off my contact lenses. The first thing I should do is sleep.

 I received a text message from C that same morning, warning me that I should use protection which we did. She had a weird dream of me covered in blood. She warned me not to do abortion. I never thought that I’m pregnant which I’m not. Maybe her dream is just a warning. Anyway, it’s just a dream. Precautionary is the most important thing. I woke up pretty late in the evening, nearly at 6pm! I had some messages from M asking me if I want to have a dip in the pool. I was so tired and couldn’t even bother to say yes to his request.

Mel reminded me to ask P if he can come for the Istana Hotel dinner. I’m glad he didn’t refuse the invitation. Then, I’ll be meeting both M and P again. I was thinking of having shisha for tonight and asked if M wants to join me. Philip has his own plan, clubbing with his friends. I was a bit confused about my relationship with Philip. I’d rather not to say anything yet but just letting P himself tells me that. M did try to kiss me again. Yes, again. But I guessed now is not the time. I had my mind to P not M even though he’s a sweet mid 40’s man with lots of experience. I was all night had my eyes on the screen, on the net and let M bored himself. Sorry M, I didn’t mean to bored you. I guessed that most of my friends really relieved that I moved on. No more mentioning about A, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t missed him or I totally forget about him. The idea of going to France would be good or might sounds bad. I still have to consider on going there but I need closure. Tonight ends early.

2nd Dec 2011

It’s second day of the month of December. I’m still trying to keep myself busy and trying to move on. I do admit I missed A a lot. Until today, I still have no words from his family back in Montolieu. I hope that everything went well. I knew that he’s in a better place now and I need to let him go. I knew it’s hard but I have to no matter what.

 I’m so bored at home and was wandering if there’s any plan of meeting up. Glad to know that we will have the usual get-together dinner at Bee Chiang’s Hainanese Chicken Rice in Jalan Bukit Bintang at 8pm. I did text P and reminded him that we’re supposed to meet for this dinner. Although he’s not too sure he’ll be there, I’m sure that he wanted to come. It was raining when I left the house. The road condition was so bad that I had to call P that I’ll be late, picking him up at his place. The heavy downpour seems making the road congestion worst! Thank god, P understands my situation. We were eventually late for the event but we’re still not late for the dinner. We had the roasted chicken rice. Saw M there. He was surprised that I came with P and I felt a bit guilty towards M. But what can I do. I really like both of you! The dinner was good and really suites the cold rainy night.

We then head to Havana, had some drinks and chill out for the night. When the first time we reached Havana, there were not so many people hanging out there. I supposed due to the rain, the place seems a little bit empty. A few glasses of drinks and dance to the 80’s songs would be a good start for the night. I noticed that M was a bit jealous that I was all over P. It was obvious that I do like P. I did enjoyed being around him though he seems a bit dorky but he’s funny. Maybe there’s a time I didn’t understand what he was saying at that time, I just nod my head and give him a big smile. Meeting him last Wednesday wasn’t the first time I saw and knew him. It must have been my 4^th time meeting him that Wednesday night. We’ve bumped into each other quite often but we hardly speak with one another. At the same time he was with someone and I had no intention to get close to him. And I do remember that I was at my hardest and saddest moment in my life, when we saw each other again at K's party. K the wild party girl who is so much control freak on man! I just couldn’t believe what C told me, about P’s marriage proposal to K! It’s so bizarre and weird. What have he been thinking at that time? Only God knows what. And maybe until today, he’s a bit afraid of her. I knew M like me so much. He did try and take my photos. He said I’m sexy but I said that I’m not. Wonder which part of me is the sexiest?

We call off the nights around 3am. I was too tired and drunk to drive back home the car that I went over to P’s. I’m a bit nervous, but the P was the calm ones. He’s really sweet and kind. Some side of him that I didn’t see before. We ended up spending the night together and it was great. I’ve never thought that I would be this happy after losing A. I knew deep down inside, A is happy for me I’m enjoying each and every second being in his arm. . I wish that the night won’t end just like that until my alarm broke the silence of the night.